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I have just returned from a jog. It’s shocking to admit that statement. It seems it could have been ten years since my last. But I recently discovered that my levels show elevated cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to do sweaty exercise regularly.

It’s the initial instance in my existence that the reason to be active has been my bodily well-being. When I was younger, I exercised because I wanted to slim down. I’ve also run to cure my anxiety – I was just running away from those feelings, not addressing it. At other times, I ran because I aimed to get better at running. This was the meaning to me at that time to develop a better life.

Exercising with new motivation at present prompted contemplation about the approaches I’ve connected with my body over my lifetime and its transformation as I transition from early adulthood to midlife. I believe not I’ve honored my own body, not truly. I’ve prized it only for its capabilities and the aims it provided: trying to attract others; dodging sentiments; running a faster 5km. Up to now, I’ve not understood that my body represents me, it embodies my life, rather than a tool for outcomes.

A lot has been discussed over the centuries about the separation of mind and body – which it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis in this piece. What I’ve found most compelling is Sigmund Freud’s view that consciousness and physique are naturally unified from the beginning, because physical development necessitates psychological development and the reverse is true. The infant’s bodily experiences – like the bodily feeling of hunger – drive the mind to build the capacity to recognise hunger as a feeling that may be satisfied by eating; and the psychological solace and fulfillment regularly delivered by feed after feed supports the child’s mind similar to the milk nourishes them bodily. Likewise emotional occurrences – for instance the wish to stand up and attain a goal, and the persistence to persist through effort – are why and how physical strength increases. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are interconnected in reciprocal evolution as unified as a double helix.

However It’s become clear, in treatment with my analyst, that mental and physical aspects might experience an alternate dynamic – one less integrated and increasingly manipulative. My psyche can use my physical self to retain and manifest aspects that my psyche views unacceptable or unbearable. In analysis we realized how there are particular emotional states that I am afraid I cannot bear; in place of experiencing them in my mind, I unintentionally shift them to my physical self, where they get stuck as physical symptoms.

I previously experienced digestive discomfort – not connected to what I’d eaten, but acted as a type of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest mentally. This was not a conscious choice, but after it was introduced into my consciousness in sessions, and my anxiety and sensitivity and frustration and panic could be felt and put into words rather than converted to corporeal symptoms, it vanished. I seldom experience from stomach problems currently.

The most severe episode I endured this intense reflux, I failed to rest for several nights in a row. I believed I was forfeiting my mind. I consulted my doctor, who organised multiple examinations and assessments, but there was nothing corporally problematic. The situation was a different physician who told me that the origin could be emotional. My therapist agreed. I was shocked, but I also knew it was accurate.

Whenever someone experiences a bodily issue, they can be offended if told that there might be an emotional origin. They can experience like disrespect, being told that their symptom is imagined. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – some face their suffering discounted or wrongly assessed. Yet occasionally it might be that the physical symptoms are real – without doubt – and the origin is emotional, the unconscious using the physical self to convey some pain or rage or whatever emotion the conscious self is unable to bear. At times, it’s easy to think our emotions is only valid only through expression as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our mental states as individuals, as a society and as a culture; how else can we allow the shocking elimination of mental health treatments on the NHS?

My experiences have revealed that a superior lifestyle cannot be created if we remain trapped unawares in patterns of interaction, inside us and socially, that are rooted in disrespect, manipulation and exchange. These interactions tend to be simpler to spot “externally” in wider society. It’s likely less comfortable to reflect on their origins, and to identify these patterns within ourselves and among loved ones, in the dynamics of our psyches.

Yet it’s valuable to continue. Upon wearing my jogging shoes back on following many years, going outside without aiming for physical improvement, or to eliminate a sensation, or to surpass a personal best, {it