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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.